In 2024, I Failed All My Goals

Sometimes, you just have to admit defeat, even when it stings. For me, 2024 was a year I wished I could forget before it even ended. Not only did I fail to achieve the goals I had set for myself, but in many cases, my efforts fell apart entirely. Economically, professionally, and even in terms of health, 2024 was a series of disappointments. This post is not meant to be an exercise in self-pity but rather an objective recounting of my failures throughout the year.

Profession: A Shadow of What I Wanted to Be

The most painful failure was undoubtedly on the professional front. At the beginning of the year, I promised myself I would be more productive, creating valuable content for the DFIR community. However, the reality turned out to be starkly different. The articles and contributions I had envisioned, which I once imagined would build my reputation and foster meaningful discussions within the community, mostly remained as fragments of ideas. Either they never made it past brainstorming sessions, or they existed as incomplete drafts gathering dust on my computer. Each time I tried to start, I was met with a mental block, an invisible wall of hesitation that stifled my creativity. Even in my role at Certego, the year went undoubtedly well in terms of personal performance, as I exceeded the goals set for me. However, on a personal level, I had hoped to achieve much more. I wanted to be even more impactful and decisive in my contributions, pushing boundaries to make a difference that felt deeply meaningful to me. Was it a lack of energy? Perhaps. A lack of motivation? Probably. But more than anything, I think it was the overwhelming nature of day-to-day responsibilities that probably drained all my mental energy, much more than I could have anticipated. I let the minutiae of routine tasks dictate my focus, leaving little room for larger, more ambitious goals. Opportunities to propose my work at industry conferences, which could have been a turning point, came and went. Each time, I rationalized my inaction with thoughts like, "It's not ready yet," or "I'll refine it later." These patterns of procrastination and self-doubt compounded, eventually paralyzing me. By the end of the year, I was left reflecting on these missed opportunities with a bitter sense of regret. I couldn’t help but wonder how different things might have been if I had managed to break through those barriers and simply acted on my ideas instead of overanalyzing them into oblivion.

Finances: A Downward Spiral

On the financial front, 2024 was equally disastrous. At the start of the year, I envisioned a future where I could steadily grow my savings, laying down a robust financial foundation. Unfortunately, reality had other plans. Unforeseen events seemed to arise at every turn, each one more disruptive than the last. Every time I managed to set aside some savings, another urgent issue came up: unexpected medical bills that couldn’t be deferred, costly repairs that demanded immediate attention, or the relentless tide of daily expenses, which seemed to multiply at an almost exponential rate. It felt like a constant battle to stay afloat rather than make meaningful progress. What’s worse, not only did I fail to save, but my finances suffered a significant decline. Watching my resources dwindle was a source of constant anxiety, a heavy weight that pressed on me daily. It wasn’t just the tangible loss of money that troubled me but the accompanying sense of failure. Each misstep, whether it was an unnecessary indulgence or a poorly timed expense, seemed to accumulate, creating a mountain of frustration and dissatisfaction that was nearly impossible to ignore. In retrospect, the financial turmoil drained more than just my wallet; it sapped my confidence and motivation. It’s disheartening to see well-laid plans crumble under the pressure of unforeseen circumstances and poor decisions. Yet, these experiences also left me questioning my approach: Could I have anticipated some of these challenges better? Did I make the right choices with the resources I had? These lingering questions underscore the difficulties of 2024, but they also serve as a sobering lesson about the importance of adaptability and resilience in the face of financial adversity.

Health: A Body Asking for Mercy

To make matters worse, it was a year dominated by persistent health issues that seemed to come one after the other, leaving little room for recovery or stability. Not a single month passed without some ailment forcing me to pause, reevaluate my priorities, and put on hold the projects that required energy and dedication. These interruptions felt relentless, as if my body was constantly at odds with itself. Every small victory, moments when I thought I was finally regaining control, was quickly followed by yet another setback, compounding the frustration. This unending cycle of illness and recovery took a toll on my daily routine. Simple tasks that I once managed effortlessly became daunting, and the lack of consistency drained my ability to focus on long-term goals. My body’s fragility often left me questioning my resilience, and each setback reinforced a growing sense of vulnerability. The physical instability also seeped deeply into my mental state, with devastating effects. I began the year with a clear ambition: to become the best version of myself, improving both physically and mentally. However, as the months dragged on, I found myself moving further and further away from that ideal. Instead of growing stronger, I felt as though I were regressing, retreating from the progress I had hoped to make. The disconnect between my goals and my reality grew, leaving me disheartened. Moreover, this recurring instability eroded my confidence in fulfilling even the simplest promises I had made to myself. I found it difficult to maintain a routine, let alone pursue the larger ambitions I had envisioned. It became increasingly clear that my health challenges were not just physical, they were reshaping the way I viewed myself and my capabilities. By the end of the year, I was left grappling with the realization that my health, both physical and mental, needed far more attention and care than I had anticipated. It was a stark reminder of the importance of nurturing the foundation on which all other ambitions rest.

Mental Health: A Struggle with Expectations

In past years, I was convinced that I was largely unaffected by mental health challenges. I believed I could always evaluate situations rationally, maintain perspective, and make the right decisions for every individual circumstance. It felt as though my ability to assess and act logically was a cornerstone of my personality, an assurance that mental strain would never truly affect me. However, during 2024, these convictions began to crumble under the weight of repeated pressures and setbacks. There were tangible, objective moments when the decisions I made were not the right ones, choices that I knew, in hindsight, could have been far better. Each misstep added to a growing sense of unease, as I began questioning my ability to navigate complex situations as effectively as I once believed. My relentless drive to always excel in DFIR, to meet my own impossibly high standards, gradually drained me. The constant pressure to produce exceptional work and stay ahead in an ever-evolving field pushed me dangerously close to a mental abyss. The boundaries between healthy ambition and unsustainable expectations blurred, leaving me with little room to recover or reflect. In those moments, my mind often wrestled with a harsh, self-imposed dichotomy: either do things perfectly or don’t do them at all. This perfectionist mindset became a significant obstacle, one that consumed my energy and eroded my ability to make steady, incremental progress. As I reflected on these struggles, it became clear that this approach was not sustainable in the long term. Striving for excellence is admirable, but the cost of tying my self-worth entirely to achieving perfection left me on a precarious edge. Balancing ambition with realistic expectations became an essential lesson, a realization that progress, even when imperfect, is infinitely better than stagnation. This hard-won understanding is something I now carry forward as a critical takeaway from an otherwise grueling year. Learning to let go of unattainable ideals and focus on what is realistically achievable has become not just a goal, but a necessity for maintaining both my mental well-being and my passion for the work I love.

A Bitter Reflection - TLDR

In the end, 2024 leaves me with a bleak picture, a stark reminder of how far I fell short of my aspirations. I wasn’t the professional I wanted to be. I failed to build financial stability. I didn’t take care of myself as I should have. All of this leaves me with pressing questions that linger: What did I do wrong? Where did I lose my way? And most importantly, how can I ensure that 2025 isn’t a repeat of this disaster? Looking back, I recognize that my failures were not isolated incidents but interconnected struggles that fed into each other. Professionally, despite achieving measurable goals, I felt unfulfilled, unable to push beyond the minimum required to make a real impact. Financially, the weight of unforeseen expenses highlighted weaknesses in my planning and adaptability. And in terms of health, the recurring setbacks stripped me of the energy I desperately needed to overcome these challenges. It was a cascading effect, one failure bleeding into another, until it felt overwhelming. Adding to this, my mental health became a critical factor. For years, I believed that mental well-being was something that did not affect me, convinced that I could rationally assess situations and make the best decisions in any given moment. But 2024 shattered that belief. I faced moments where my choices were clearly flawed, and in hindsight, I could see how much better I might have done. My relentless drive to always perform at the highest level in DFIR drained me to the point where I was standing at the edge of a precipice. I found myself torn between doing things perfectly or not doing them at all. A dichotomy that is neither healthy nor sustainable. This all-or-nothing approach consumed me, making it difficult to focus on consistent progress and leaving me questioning the very foundations of my resilience. I’ve come to realize that mental health is the fuel for all our actions, the spark that ignites our ability to turn goals into reality. Neglecting it undermines everything else. Progress, I now know, doesn’t require perfection, it requires persistence, self-compassion, and the willingness to move forward even when things are imperfect. Perhaps the answer lies in starting from scratch, not just in action but in mindset. Reevaluating my expectations means going beyond merely setting goals and thinking deeply about the resources and resilience I need to achieve them. It also means acknowledging that progress isn’t linear and that setbacks, though frustrating, don’t define the entirety of a year. Admitting failure is the first step, but it cannot end there. It must be accompanied by a commitment to learn from what went wrong, to rebuild with intention and clarity. The year wasn’t without its moments of light, small sparks that, while faint, remind me that not all is lost. Even in the darkest moments, those glimmers can serve as a starting point for renewal. Whether it’s the rare but fulfilling successes I achieved or the lessons learned from my missteps, there is always something to build on. Now, as I look toward 2025, I know that finding the will to fight again is not just an option, it’s a necessity.